Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
