What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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