its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
