I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
