woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
