i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
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I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I currently don't understand fingers.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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