i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
