the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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