your room smells of hookers.
And success
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
