My room smells like vodka and shame
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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