if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
