I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
