I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
