apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
