Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So drunk its hurt
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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