you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
