my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
