We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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