We won't sleep together?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
