I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
