I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
