you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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