So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
