i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
