i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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