yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that