life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
