What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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