hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
