i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
