Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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