There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
