She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
