i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
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We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
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I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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