I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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