It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
