guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
