Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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