So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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