The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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