I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
