I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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