I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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