I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
