Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
