I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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