she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
