filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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