So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
