I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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