i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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