i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
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I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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