Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
