I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
