the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
