Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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