I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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