We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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