And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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