I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
