she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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