I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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